Long statement from the heart
October 09, 2004 - 00:02
I think I have alot to say here today. Coz normally I am either too tired or simply do not wish to reveal much, then again, most of the time I am so politically correct that any true emotions or feelings are never shown. Seriously, I sometimes is amused by the level of masking I can do of my feelings in front of people. Be it that I actually dislike them inside or that I am unhappy that day, I will still smile on and go through the day like nothing happened! The sky may have fell down at home but nobody in school knows a single thing! Or if I don't say, nobody knows!
That to a certain extent is very sad, like nobody really understands or bother to understand. Is it that I just don't make a good effort to build up friendship or that I have formed a barrier bw people, just like how many of my classmates have anyway. honestly, we are just so tired of the social game.
Then again ,thank God for a really steadfast friend, my dear prof, in school who has been really concerned. Good to have someone to talk to too.
Actually seeing someone from the same social circle, same school, same class.. can be very stressful. I mean, for others, nobody will ever know when they had a tiff with their boyfriend or cold war etc but if we do that in school, the whole class will know and I hate being in the centre of any gossip. And there is indeed a hell lot of friction bw the two of us due to enormous amount of time we see each other everyday. Although I try to avoid much personal contact in school to remain professional about it, sometimes we still have much arguements and fights quietly or loudly. Maybe that's how we work, you know, like the typical kind of couple who just logger their life away at each other. Does it have to be like that? It is pretty tiring. Or is this a stage???
I think I must believe in one thing: There is no one person perfect for anyone, but there is one person you can choose to be committed to and love and respect. I am sure I haven't reach such a high level of understanding of relationship, and is not yet fully capable of doing it. But I know time and God will eventually get me to that stage.
Sometimes, I look back too much and sigh at too many things in the past. Maybe sometimes, I miss old days such that I missed out on newer ones!
I just want to be as happy again.