A turning point in my life.
January 18, 2005 - 08:59
I know there's no point crying myself silly. yet i am still doing so. i cried this morning, waking up to the not familiar feeling of pain. After waking up each morning to a good feeling of knowing someone is there and he is there for you all the time, I woke up remembering that, it's all over.
And you know what's the terrible things? It's not those hatred words and all. I know those are words of anger. I can swallow those. It is the fact that, I don't know why we are here today? I don't know why in the end, we still broke up.
I am still very puzzled. perhaps many of you must be thinking that it's because I have a lack of insight or something like that. No, I perfectly understood what went wrong, what was my fault. I know. It is just too much to be said here. And I already spent half of last night, confiding to Shiyi. But what is pulling my heart pain is, how come?
I know there's alot of accumulative of hurt and pain in this relationship. For him and for me. I know he was upset over his birthday and all the things that happened on that day. I know it blew things up. But no matter what, a woman still has her own process of love and heal. I thought that by giving us some space, we will get closer together. I thought that by letting us heal, we will mend. But he misinterpret that I want to distance myself from him! What rubbish. Tat's why till now, I am still hurting, over this misunderstanding. Or was it simply a lack of trust. Or did this relationship become so insecure?
It has always been a secure relationship to me. Because he did a very good job of being faithful and all. Not that I was unfaithful, I would never do so, but perhaps in my youth and apparent incompatible maturity with him, I didn't manage to provide that much security, this man wants in his life.Maybe indeed, what someone in his late 20s wants, I can't provide. I am not there yet. It must be hard on him.
Somehow along the way, this relationship got twisted and filled with unhappiness. There were happy days too. And now, it is precisely those happy days that making me sad, for the happier memories I have, the worst I feel when it's all over.
I don't know why we started to add hatred and bad language in. I am never a fond supportor of such ways of expression. But yet, maybe even in my nicest language, I said things that hurt a man's ego. Man man, and your ego. So fragile sometimes, yet so strong. How many women fell because of that ego?
I can't do things the way you did. I can't forget by dumping everything under the sun that has you inside, like what you did. You can throw all our tangible memories away, I know you threw away all the photos, gifts, and many other things. But I can't. I can't bring myself to. Every little thing has a part of me in it somehow. How can I throw them away?
If I can do it, maybe this will be easier for me, then packing up all the stuff and trying hard not to remember anything. Everything in my room is still the same as it was everyday. Filled with your presence. Awaiting your arrival. But you will no longer come. And they will in time, be kept in a box and stored, along with other memories in my life.
I know I will miss you somehow, that's where it's going to hurt most. I know this journey from this point onwards will not be easy. But I will struggle my way through. I will be strong. I always was. Maybe that's why, I was too strong, I was never the frail girlfriend you hope to protect. How I wish I could be frail too. So that in your arms I can rest again. but I know, somethings in life, will stay the same.
What's the most cruel thing here, I guess, it the dreams. The many dreams we built upon through the years. The dreams of the future, our future and all the sweet promises that will not come true. Why is it that man always like to give promises, yet never fulfil them?
One thing I realised, we both don't know what is unconditional love. For you, it is because you don't know how to forgive and forget. that's an important part of unconditional. I know you go for an eye for an eye. But love can't be fair. It's unmeasurable in itself, so how can it be fair? For me, it is because I am selfish, I love myself more than I love others. I know it is unfair to you too. So for that, I am so sorry.
I know I should be on my way to school now and it just doesn't make sense to add on another financial burden by taking a cab to school. But I just don't care anymore. As for my car, you know what, what 's the point of driving an empty car around when what I wanted most was to drive you around for a good time.
I still have a lot of things to figure out for now. Like how to move on.
yawn
January 17, 2005 - 20:28
i am rotting at home now. feeling very tired and bloated with sweets coz i just ate 5 yummy ones at one go. such a glutton.
anyway, shall sleep early. was trying to find this nice game nana was playing the other day. but couldn't. night.
Blabbering
January 13, 2005 - 18:58
you know, i feel like an IDIOT now because i realised that my lack of patience, hatred and unhappiness towards my mum has sealed my 'good life' door. she's the richer party after all, she can easily buy me a car for my 21st birthday if she favours me enough, after all, she bought a car for my uncle before. but me? i have made her so mad that this will be impossible. at that time of the unhappiness, i was quite sure that dignity and self-esteem was more important than cold hard cash, but now looking back, getting in her good books would have benefited me more. =(
now i am able to afford a car somehow, but it is just a different feeling lor. so i am quite unhappy because my mum used to dotes on me and now after that incident, she favours my sis more. it is stupid of me. seriously, all the rashness of youth really got to me.
ok, i am on a whiny mood now. today's tuition was fine, just that i feel like a complete bloodsucker who don't do much but take a lot of $$$$ from them. not that i wish to. but that daughter of theirs is just impossible to teach!!!!! help.sometimes, only the student can help herself. voliation is the most important factor in studying.
sometimes, i am afraid to pass my driving test coz i don't have the confidence to drive without my driving therapy! i can't imagine driving alone on the road. always afraid that i will kill someone somehow and end up locked up in jail for some sort of manslaughter!!!
i am quite sian about school recently because of the amount of projects we got to embark on. but SAOT SC stuff has been fun and i really enjoyed chairing today's meeting. lesson learnt- be prepared for meetings!
if only 1 day has 48 hours. then indeed, we will have enough time to stop and smell a flower. now the only thing i have time for is to stop and smell my toilet.
there's so much i wish for.... when will they come true??
additional point: my tut tut car
January 09, 2005 - 20:48
o by the way, did i say this? I am getting a car!!!!
ok bye, gotta work. enough of blogging for the day.
And rules for my car: No borrowing except my dad. (which i no choice gotta lend to) 2:$1 per trip in my car, i already save your bus fare and time, so contribute to my petrol fees please. =) dylan included. 3:if you do not wish to pay the above, sign a contract with me and wash my car every weekend. 4:no eating and drinking in my car..don't want cockroach! 5:close the door gently or else you pay for the repair. 6:I am actually very nice and easy-going one, just that the car costs too much to be true. i gotta watch out for all these. =p
bye oscar
January 09, 2005 - 20:40
my pet frog, oscar and dylan's frog, wilde, has gone home to dylan place. coz i just don't have the knowledge to take good care of it.
Anyway had a constructive day lazing around. went to the arcade once again and realised that we spent $150 plus in the arcade thus far already! wah, soon we can convert to the VIP card liao la.
ok, as i breathe in now, my pants' velcro is coming apart, i am so darn fat. gross.
reminiscence ... spelt correctly? haha
January 06, 2005 - 21:11
haven't been accomplishing much, though i should be mugging somehow. but i just was thinking and thinking, missing and missing. I miss some people really so much, I miss a part of my old life a lot, i miss some places too. wonder if in future, will i ever look back at nyp and miss my life here?
I miss vj. it's weird, the school that i so didn't want to be dropped into and even cried when i realised i got into (i wanted rjc badly). now i miss it like mad, though when i left, i told myself, i will never return. because of some bad things that had happen inside i guess.
But now, i miss it. i miss the days where we will hang out at the bench real early in the morning because we are the earliest to arrive. i miss the days we sat in the hall to have assembly and chat non-stop secretly. I miss eating the school western food! and how E always escaped PE. I miss having E queue for my food while i go for PE. I hate PE too! i miss waiting outside the choir room. i have nothing to do with choir, till today, i still can't sing, but vjchoir was somewhat linked to me during that time. i miss sitting in the LT feeling proud that E made it through music fest! i miss the concourse where the gang i belonged to, had many memorable times. I miss hearing yvonne play on the piano during spare time. i miss the library, enhui, zhongxian and the mugging. i miss waiting at the carpark and hugging enhui when she came with bad news of her brother. i miss crying in the toilet with the girls. i actually miss jean too, though we may not been the best of friend. the sheep, the cow, the promfret etc. funny days weren't they? yet in a blink, they are over. till today i still feel that a prime part of my aldoescent life is over.
sometimes, i dream of walking in the corridors of my old classroom. and how i hope, everything can happen all over again. it was great great days. we may have all went our separate ways and a lot that i dreamt of happening at that time between me and E didn't happen, those days, were, the greatest.
It's a different life now, why? cos people are different now, i feel that people are too protective of themselves now. we don't share that much details, secrets etc. just so tired to start over again in the social game. that naiveness and the light heartedness of younger days are gone too.
It's a different phase of my life, i got a scholarship, i got a boyfriend of coming to 2 years, i got new group of friends, i wear an ugly set of uniform now (on clinicals,yucks). I no longer wait outside the choir room, but i go to school everyday to meet someone who adores me, and together, we have a nice little joint account, awaiting to grow fat.
I want to sunbake in this wonderful life. Reminiscence is fun though. And finally, i can face up to the past. people i left behind, went on different paths, and people i have left down.
maybe one day, i should bring dylan to go take a look at my nice school. where dreams were built upon.
bursting pants
January 06, 2005 - 19:18
I am like upset at my big tummy now. in june, this pants i am wearing still risk dropping, now it is bursting! argh.
Is it a good sign when you stop caring about your figure excessively because there's someone who always want to feed you fat and constantly reassure you that you are slim when you are getting fat? It's good that he doesn't care for facade stuff like figures but i do! I want back my figure!
Ok, that aside, I will just go on to my cranberry juice drinking and rubbing of my blueblack sole. pain pain pain.
I need to go to the gym.
frog in my bathroom
January 05, 2005 - 21:45
There's a frog in my bathroom! and we thought it will only happen in kampong...me fainting la.
and mr hero dylan refuses to get out of dreamland to kill the darn frog!
some blabbering thoughts...
January 04, 2005 - 20:38
I just had to post something. just watched PCK. today is a classic, it was just sooo funny. haha. regarding the phua family sent for marriage counselling. laugh my tooth off.
Was really happy to get home early, but guess what, my keys are in dylan's bag! walked down to salon to get keys and got in after all. surprisingly, i didn't felt frustrated or what, just saw it as a chance to go take a little stroll.
Then i was thinking, if it is in his place, he will be pulling his hair off and complaining big time? haha, i don't know la, we just take things so differently. like north pole vs south pole?? I take things too easily while he, too hard. we should be moderate together. then again, that means our kid will be moderate. that's good. hahaha.
Today we had a session where my classmates talk about the roles in their life and many were going on about their clubbing and pubbing life. I was like, urgh, where has my exciting night life gone? I am like so homely now. can't say that it is entirely dylan's issue but he did changed this part of me. or rather, i changed this part of my lifestyle to suit him. though once in a while, i would love to go club. and so far, dylan has been cooperative, just that wallet is tight, so money is an issue to both him and me.
Now my nights, especially weekends, are just spent either brickering our way through on the phone, or in good days, cuddling up in my room. Sometimes we watch tv, which he will doze off somehow. sigh, can't we just find something in common to do? movies seem like the only outlet now. and even selection of movies is giving us headache, this i don't like, that he don't like. but that's fine, we get along by compromising sometimes.
just blabbering out some feelings. how i wish i can go sailing! sigh, i know now how it feels like when you just don't feel that you have a 'healthy' life. in the sense, spiritual fulfilment is low, emotional fulfilment is going through adjustments and till today, i still don't know what i want in life.
you know, times fly by so fast. the two of us have been through 2003,2004,2005 together. it don't seems so long though, feels like we just met yesterday. along the way we learnt, but we got a lot more to learn. it is tiring somewhat.
no resolutions for 2005 yet,perhaps, to make out what i am looking for in life.
$$$$$$ matters
January 01, 2005 - 21:23
here i am at dylan's place. for a change, i am actually staying over at his place instead of him camping out at my place. but then again,we are so used to him staying at my place that it seems like he already is staying with us.
i am really quite troubled with money matters. no.1: i am broke, but as today is new yr day and it is a joyous occasion, i decided to go to town and caught a movie, ate breakfast,lunch and dinner in town and bought one or two extra things. argh. that is 30 bucks gone. i am terrible.
no.2:i have my driving test coming up in 20 days. and i have to complete donkey knows how many month lessons before i am actually prepared. sigh. then the test costs so much and the stupid license too. $$$$...
scratching my head....... can $$$ drop from the sky???
Happy smiling day
December 31, 2004 - 15:13
Today is a happy day, number 1: I have great friends! Thanks Huixin for sending me to and from the bus stop today to keep me from getting wet! That was really very nice. Sigh, wonder if i will do it for others if it's me. =p
number 2: my final evaluation went really great. should get a good grade. provided i be hardworking and change all the stuff that has been advised to change. =)
number 3: going out tonight with dylan!
Some sentiments
December 28, 2004 - 21:43
I was reading the newspaper and got a bit affected by the sadness, then something dylan says really struck me. Plenty of people die everyday somehow anyway.
I guess it is some kind of psychological issues that hold people together and more concern about deaths and such when it is a disaster. Coz everyone can understand what has happened etc and feel sad about it.
Not that I question God's existence, but such incidents really make me wonder about its value.
By the way, my presentation went by really great!
3 more days to THE END.
Sad things happen, now and then
December 27, 2004 - 19:07
Many must be thinking 'im so lucky we woke up alive this morning' sigh, it is really quite a horrible disaster. whenever it happens near home, it gets closer to the heart. so many people died... like 4 times more than 911? See, nature is still the ultimate terrorist.
Then again, this is just a natural process. various human civilization got wiped out completely in the past due to volcano etc too. So this 700 years once tsunami is also just a small taste of what natural disaster can be.
I must be talking so easy as no one i knew was hurt in the process. but the beach i once stood on and the hotel we stayed in phucket is now all dust? i am gonna be even more paranoid about travelling abroad. now, home is still forever the best!
Really thank God that I am alive today, and that Dylan is with me.
mc day!
December 21, 2004 - 19:31
i am on 1/2 day mc! aiyo, hopefully i will get to make it up by leaving 1/2 later for 8 days?? but in the first place, do i have 8 days left? o no. and the place is not really open on sat, haha, we will have a fun time just figuring out how to make it up. gross.
on the good side, dylan's coming to see me. heehee. falling sick always make me feel so pampered. then again, this break is really good cos i skipped a group session today, no SOAP notes! life is always so unfair, some supervisor wants the SOAP notes, some don't expect, some give generous marks, some are just soooo stingy! =(
lookin forward to christmas eve, dylan's cooking steak for me! haha.
tired..
December 19, 2004 - 15:45
hai, suddenly realized that my mum's birthday is coming and i am on such bad and terrible terms with her now, almost a month of cold war, seriously, no phone calls etc. I don't even know if she's alive! argh. what to do...
poor dylan,always have to be the peacemaker or the middleman, think i shall get him to pass her a present on my behalf, and that's it. it is hard for me to want to see her, don't want more bad incidents to happen, luckily she likes dylan enough to not scream at him.
on the happy note, the money came in real early this month! great but then that means i got to survive 38 days on the sum instead of 30 days! that is bad. somemore my driving test, yes! the o so important driving test is on the 20th of jan! I gotta pump in $$$ to pass!!!!
Very happy christmas is coming, looking forward to a cosy day with dylan. poor boy, he and me needs some time out to have fun.. this weekend all we did was hang out at my place.last weekend's midnight show was just so tiring that we took a whole week to recover! no more clubbing, midnight fun for me till school starts. just too tiring. we are getting old!
thanks darling for staying over and getting nice chicken chop! though pls remember, I don't like chicken chops. hahah.