uncontactable
April 20, 2005 - 21:15
I will not be contactable on handphone for a while because my phone has spoilt and has become impossible to repair.
I don't know how i can possibly afford a new phone now. but i will try. sigh.
pain. it hurts you know. what happened. but nobody will know what happened. because i won't tell.I love somebody but i didn't nurture him. Because I didn't nurture him, he feels that I didn't love him. But I am sorry that I forgot to nurture him. And I don't know why, this happened today. Disaster, that's what it is called. A disaster we can't bear to turn back to look ourselves. I have done so much wrong... the biggest wrong was not to nurture him. I am not who he needs. because I do not water the plant the way he needs. I failed to provide support, provide encouragement... But now i close my door, and grief to myself, what i have lost, and what will never come back again. it is my choice, i got to learn to stand by it. And learn what I need to learn. Never look back.
Turning into my mum
April 18, 2005 - 23:24
When i look around at friends who are struggling in their relationships, I count myself blessed to have someone who sincerely love and care for me. But somehow, I know, i misplace this love and concern easily. It get lost in the stress, the dissatisfaction in life, the anger, the pettiness, the horrible attitude of mine, and of all things, i often take all that i have for granted.Why?
I really dunno why of all traits of my mum that i hate so much, i inherited almost every single one of them. Her anger, her dissatisfaction in life, being easily influenced by others, her pettiness, her stubborn attitude, her take-for-granted ways, her mood swings.... I realised, those are all that I hated so much in my growing years and now, I HAVE BECOME HER!
I remember how i blamed her for my last 2 relationships flaws... I dun know why I blame her but I remember coming home to scream at her and said, 'you caused all these... I took after you. that's why now i ended up as miserable as you!' Can you imagine? I actually said that to her! must have broke her heart. I know she felt very sad about that... but still, she decided to set one foot into my current relationship, though with more self-contraints and she is starting to decrease saying things that i dun want to hear.
It is really sad to see when we are now. just now, she called me and i purposely didn't want to answer the phone because I just didn't want to talk to her.
Since I feel that I have already failed as a daughter, then how about being a girlfriend? I think I haven't succeeded too. I have never succeeded. People says practice make perfect. but i had 2 solid relationships in the past that collapsed and now, has become thin air. Still, I carried my wayward ways into this current relationship and ruin things here. If i ruin myself, I don't mind. But I don't want to ruin him. I don't want to hurt him with my harsh words, which is constantly finding their ways out of my mouth. I am so sacastic at times. I can pour the coldest water down anyone, uncontrollable! I don't want to see a perfectly fine and hopeful young man shattered and despair over love and affairs of the heart all because of me! I want to be a good girlfriend too. But how come I keep ending up saying the wrong things, having the wrong attitude and doing the wrong stuff!
What is compatibility? and what is not? How can 2 person live together in peace? How do you accept differences? Sometimes I feel that I am not being someone's lover, I am being someone's mother! I seems to be disciplining my child all the time and telling him what';s right to do and what's not. Then I will be there to inculcate MY value or rather impose my beliefs onto him. If he don't accept it, I will use emotion manipulation and corporal punishment to force him too! I choose what he should wear, what's nice and what's not. see, I am turning into my mother! THAT'S HER! that's what she does to me which I HATE. Why am I doing this to others!!!
This is such a terrible reality to discover. enough for tonight.
stressed me
April 17, 2005 - 16:14
I am so mentally exhausted from studying! i think i should go out and go around the neighbourhood to get some fresh air. i am so tired.
okie, must tink positive thoughtS! must always tink positively. will pass the exam. will be fine... will survive!!!!
the drive to jalan kayu with citizens of hougang!
April 16, 2005 - 20:58
i drove the girls of hougang, sengkang and the one boy and finally one more girl from punggol to supper yesterday night.
went to jalan kayu and ate prata.alamak! each of them only ate 1 prata! make me feel like a pig coz normally i will eat 5 prata but because everyone only ordered one, i only order 2. hahaha.
had a fun time just chilling out and talking. though i think everyone was pretty tired after the long week. luckily my car was spacious enough to contain 6 persons! poor them in the back seat. haha. the driver seat is still most comfortable.
it was funny getting there cos everyone was not very good at directions and although i read and studied and attempted to memorise the map. (should be so hardworking in my work too) then the parking was funny too coz 5 person has to direct my car while i park! how ridiculous. haha. and the worse was, while i was driving down hougang to get geri and aud, i went up the curb reversing! so many uncles laughed at me. =p
ok took a nice photo at jalan kayu which i will put up here when i finally uploaded it onto my com. lazy me. hope that we will have more of such outings. make good use of my car wat.
by the way, poor huixin wasn't there coz i know she was so sick this week. after that tiring health seminar, it is the best to let her rest well. will grab her out the next time, maybe to the satay club!
decreasing stress
April 14, 2005 - 23:42
Life is starting to get better, the test is over and the stress is down.
my nose itch.